I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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