Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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