Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
