I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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