I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
