i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
