I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
