i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
