Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
