I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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