Will you blow on my dice?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
