ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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