Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
