dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
