Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
