I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
