Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
