The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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