So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
