He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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