I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
