Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
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I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
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The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
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