Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
