mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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