Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
