My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
be right there i have to get my cape
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
