I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
