So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
