one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
