I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
