Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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