for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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