dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
