Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
