My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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