wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
