Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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