peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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