genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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