Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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