Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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