my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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