I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
