Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
