Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
