She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
