sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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