remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Small penises have feelings too.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
