I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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