Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Your tits are I can't wait for
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize