i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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