no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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