ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
