i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
