8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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