Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
