Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
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