just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
