Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
