Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
